Dr. EVElove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Learned To Launch A Bomb

Posted: Saturday, March 27, 2010 by Alathus Christensen in

Few things in EVE make me laugh quite like a bomber pilot who has NO idea how to use the ship he's flying. A brief recap of today's events is in order, and as such, I'll try to be as brief as possible.

The wormhole in which we've decided to make our home has a Static C3, which makes things quite nice for running sites, and carebearing it up. It also makes it quite nice for running into stupid people. At the risk of defamation of character, I'll leave the names out of it here to protect the involved people, however "special" he may have been.

Today's C3 opened to a nice quiet system with eight public sites and a few radar sites. A perfect opportunity to make some weekend ISK, says I. Most everyone agreed with me, and we began to assemble the usual participants. Now, at times, this can be a bit of a trial, as everyone has to do their hair, get the right ship, brush their teeth, floss their toes, and whatnot - and by the time we had assembled the Drakefleet, we were in for a shock. Not so much a shock as a moment of awe. Our first drake jumped through to begin bookmarking public sites, and through usage of her directional saw two Helios' and an Imicus. Three scanning ships. Prolific over-use of probes. Perhaps this should have been the point when I realized just how the day would go.

We placed a Falcon inside the system to practice his voyeurism and ran a few sites in an adjoining wormhole. While everyone else was returning home, I decided to do a bit of fishing. Our Falcon pilot had reported a Megathron (possibly failfit), as well as a Maelstrom at their POS. To be honest, I'd hit somewhat of a dry spell for kills, so I was itching for some kind of engagement.

Fast-forward roughly twenty minutes later and a few cruiserbait jumps in and out of their system, and the Falcon pilot reports that they've switched to a Scorpion, Maelstrom, and a Taranis. We also now know that these three ships are one main and two alts. I run back to the hangar, grab the trusty Tempest, and set off to play some "Antagonistic Sumbitch II".

After setting up just inside their wormhole, it takes a fair bit for any of them to make a move. At first, it's simply the Scorpion, uncloaking(?!?) and tossing a few volleys of cruise missiles.. I take it in stride, hop out, and hop back in. The Scorpion uncloaks(?!?) again as well as a Taranis dropping cloak(?!?) and staying a fair distance away. Eventually the Taranis pilot warps out, heads back to their POS, and switches out to a Nemesis.

And this is where things get a little.. well, to be honest, fucking retarded. The Nemesis pilot dissapears from D-Scan, I brace for the coming bomb...

...and he uncloaks ten kilometres off me, bomb flying off into the middle of nowhere, and he's on a collision course with the Tempest. I begin locking him up. He's still flying straight towards me. I lock him up just as he passes by the wormhole, and proceed to two-shot him into space-dust. I then spent a good five minutes laughing.

Ya see, kids, bombing should normally go something like this:

Are you approaching your target? Y/N>
Are you roughly thirty kilometers away from your target? Y/N> Y
Uncloak.. launch bomb when ready.

But it always amazes me how for some people, it goes more like this:

Are you approaching your target? Y/N> FUCKBEANS BANANASLIPPERS FIRE FIRE FIRE

When I was new to EVE, I always wondered how it was possible that so many people had so many kills. I wondered how it was possible for people to lose battleships to a single pilot in a T1 frigate. It's startling, but I don't wonder about these things anymore. It seems that stupidity from the real world has found it's way into our sandbox, and this is a most distressing time indeed.

Fuckbeans Bananaslippers,
Alathus Christensen


  1. rantuket says:

    Nice site you have here, very cool theme you are running too. Added you to my following list and on twitter.

    Almost lost a mouth full of coffee getting to the 'Are you approaching your target? Y/N> FUCKBEANS BANANASLIPPERS FIRE FIRE FIRE ' part!

  1. Rettic says:

    LOL, was just going to say the same thing. I have to add FUCKBEANS BANANASLIPPERS to my daily vocabulary.